Rollerblades and Nursing Homes

It's a little after 3:00 AM and I've been up for a while already...online, of course, and am now considering what to talk about with you today. Of course, regardless of what I plan to speak of, my mind will likely take a left turn and take me somewhere else, so maybe it's just a good thing to get started and see what happens.

Several things are on my mind this early morning. Because I'm in a LOT of pain at the moment, my thoughts are turning to what the future holds for me. I know that, barring some kind of earthshaking miracle of God (which is not to say that that couldn't happen...) even my near future, will not be a good or comfortable one. I'm heading for complete dependence on those around me to care for me. This is a frightening thought to me, because there just is no one that I have in my life who would be willing or able to take on such a responsibility...I know then that this means things like "NURSING HOME" - which thought makes my skin crawl. I am SO fervently praying that God will see fit to bring me to the end of my journey on this earth and take me to His Kingdom to wait for the arrival of the New Earth that he has promised us, he is creating for us--before that time.

OK, hang on, because the conversation is going to shift here. Yesterday, in my other blog on Blogger (www.cynthialottvogel.blogspot.com), I mentioned my favorite author, Randy Alcorn and the debt of gratitude that I owe him in clarifying and enhancing my understanding of what is coming after this life...what it will be like, based on what Scripture tells us...and this has made my whole view of,not only that time, but my life here and now, shift radically. It has made me realize that the people who will be great in God's kingdom, who are even now, famous in heaven, although unknown on earth...these are the people who are so special to God. And I so much desire to be one of them! And the great thing about it is, that I CAN be! It's not something for which I need money, fame, or power or physical strength! It comes through my relationship with the Lord God and through the depth of my prayer life.

Anyway, this has helped me by showing me that, even if I should become totally disabled, this does not disqualify me from seeking that goal and prize. So as I thought about this yesterday, I decided to email Randy, and tell him this myself. So I got his email address from one of his books and wrote to him. And I expected, at best, a form letter several weeks from now. But you know?? That SAME day, his personal assistant wrote me a lovely letter and she thanked me and said that Randy was going to love my letter when he sees it and that she had visited "Treasures from Darkness" my other blog...And by her responses, it was clear that she 'd really read a good bit of it. This really made my day. I guess it doesn't take much does it,to excite someone who doesn't "get out much" . lol.

Anyway, all of this is to say, that while the future scares me in terms of what pain etc. I will have to endure, and just the issues of physical provision and personal needs I will face...I am completely at ease in knowing that I can still make profitable use of my time and life while I wait for Y'shua to come and get me and bring me to the place where one of the first things I will do (after loving Jesus and probably falling on my face to worship him,) will be to go rollerblading! I have missed that ability greatly. I did it up until I was in my mid thirties, when, shortly after my first major illness, I found I was too weak to continue this sport safely...(I found this out by falling on my butt and breaking two fingers and
scraping up the rest of me pretty badly). I then began to get the message that this body was achanging and that nothing, for me would ever be quite the same...

Which brings me back to this moment...having traveled through a decade of major illness and three decades of mental illness...It would be easy to feel that I was less valuable than others. I mean, what do I accomplish now?? I'm lucky if I can wash a sinkful of dishes!...Not exactly what you would call a productive
life! But, thank God, HIS views of things do not come from quite the same perspective or angle as do those of humans. It is the quality of our spirit, and our rightness before his eyes as we are in Jesus and covered by HIS purity rather than relying on what we ourselves can do or be.
It's really all about what we allow JESUS to be in us and to us that matters to God.

There's a song by Jars of Clay called "Take my World Apart"...Three years ago, as my relatively comfortable life began to completely unravel due to the resurgence of mental illness which had been in abeyance for the past decade and a half, this song meant so much to me. It's about how God dismantles us and removes all that we are relying on other than him...and this process is PAINFUL...And God is still taking my world apart. Now he's doing it via pain. Giving me an amount to endure that sometimes all I can do is lie in bed and whisper his name...just literally getting through the day one second at a time. All of this dismantling could be a cause for bitterness or anger, but I find it to be a cause for rejoicing. Because I know that what God takes apart, he will restore...and he will do it RIGHT! Correcting all the flaws and showing me how to love him better...he will one day look at me and say to me, "Come and get your reward, because you have served me faithfully and well. And you know what? Those are the only words I really want to hear.