I opened a Twitter account awhile ago....and posted a few pithy statements on it...and then, frustrated because I didn't KNOW any of my followers or even followees very much...and there was no one to talk to...I left it to moulder in Netdom. I found myself most prolific and most amusing (to myself ) in times of great boredom as in when I'm in the medical hospital (Doesn't EVERYONE have to specify "medical hospital"? because what is left?? yep: PSYCH hospital lol or as an acquaintance so tactfully says: MENTAL INSTITUTION ). Otherwise my Twitter account sits stagnant as a swamp in a drought.
Every once in a while however, my email will deliver to me a message that some very lonely, very desperate person is now following me...Either that or it's an organization who wants to sell me something. And I'll wander over to Twitter spy on his profile to see whether or not I should follow him....I'll read a few posts....and something will rise up in me....I'll open my mouth and out will come: A TWEET. Yep, some delicacy of profundity will be there for the writing...and so I do....maybe even a few in a row....
And I'll sign out.
And forget it exists.
So now, I just got this great idea.... Do any of you have Twitter accounts??
Leave me your Twitter name (is there a Twitty name for that too??) and I will follow you and you can follow me...and I'll finally have someone to talk to on that God-forsaken site. And I promise: I'm gonna do better on my consistency, OK??l
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
The Divided Mind
The word "Schizophrenia" actually comes from the words "divided mind"....perhaps that is what gave people the wrong impression that it is the same as "Multiple Personality Disorder" which is a dissociative disorder rather than a psychotic one. HOnestly, btw, nothing ticks me off more than remarks - prevalent in the media and by people who JUST OUGHT TO KNOW BETTER - such as "hi I'm schizophrenic and so am I"...Why flaunt your ignorance? And why perpetuate a false conception of a genetic and physical disorder which is literally the deterioration of a human mind?? What could be sadder and more serious--and honestly, more unfair than this?
When I was first dating my husband...his best friend insisted on calling me "the Bin Woman" because of my multiple psychiatric admissions. Would you call someone with cancer "The chemo King" or the "hairless wonder"??? NO, because cancer is a serious and sad disease. Well, let me tell you, as a person whose life has been devastated by this illness; Schizophrenia is just as sad and just as serious.
And it really just infuriates me that society insists on the persistence of such false ideas and misconceptions and as I've said, IGNORANT ideas of what it means to be schizophrenic. Words like "crazy" and "looney bin" and "cuckoo" and "nuts" are hurtful and actually, even though spoken perhaps out of a lack of harmful intent, only serve to perpetuate these misbegotten stereotypes.
Does it surprise you that a person with schizophrenia can speak and write as logically and well as I do?? Well, even though I myself suffer with this disease, I had no idea of how common this is....having only seen other schizophrenic people when they were psychotic and ill in the hospitals I'd inhabited...it was a shock to me that there are people with SZ who are working in high level jobs...or are working as established and lauded authors. (For example Ross David Burke, who eventually committed suicide due to his misery, Sandra Yuen MacKay, and Lori Schiller --among a host of others who chronicled their descent into this hell and their "recovery" -which I"ve heard defined as "doing the best that you can do")...
I found on forums such as Schizophrenia.com, people who are intelligent and eloquent, creative and successful...And sadly, I've watched these people fall into episodes when all of their logic, reasoning, and rationality disintegrate into disjointed and deluded expression. And why should this surprise me? Hasn't it happened to me time and time again??
Ahh, but you see, "I'm not schizophrenic,...it's THEY who are insane" "It's impossible for me to have sz....I can think and write and usually speak clearly." This is a common symptom of sz: denial and lack of insight. I thought for YEARS that I'd been misdiagnosed...and therefore, there is NO reason to continue to take these drugs which make me feel sick and awful, right??? So I'd go off of them...and before you know it, would be watching the door lock behind me and once more be hospitalized. It wasn't until I was 46 ---after close to 30 year of illness, --that I fell apart to such an awful degree...having made such a rubble of my relationships and life and family...that I began to see that there really WAS something wrong with me. And it wasn't until I started reading from and talking to people with SZ in all stages of the illness and so powerfully identified with their experiences and feelings, that I finally can now call myself "a person with schizophrenia." And yet, oddly, there are times when I still slip into denial and go for periods without taking my medications. These times never ever end well...but that "evidence" fails to be convincing all the time.
My purpose here is not to gain pity, but merely to give you some better, clearer and more accurate understandings of what this disease really is...and hopefully to put a chink into the mountain range of misunderstanding which surrounds this disease. it is bad enough to watch your brain descend into this state, but to also be a brunt of cruel jokes and ignorance and poor stereotypes really is so unjust as to be unbelievable. I was at the top of a very large graduating high school class and went off to college with both full academic and art scholarships...with a future wide open and almost guaranteed to succeed. My classmates and friends are now famed doctors, lawyers and musicians....and I spent the majority of my years between 19-28 sitting in psychiatric hospitals, with all hope of a future wrenched from my grasp watching unfold a future of unbelievable difficulty and challenge. This is the case for the majority of the people with this disease; to suddenly find that options are suddenly closed to them...and having to face the reality of a limited life and frequent suffering. Please just walk away from this article understanding that this disease is nothing less than a tragedy - and one which is of no fault of the sufferer. Understand that us "crazy" people have feelings too, despite our apparent lack of them....and that your laughter hurts.
When I was first dating my husband...his best friend insisted on calling me "the Bin Woman" because of my multiple psychiatric admissions. Would you call someone with cancer "The chemo King" or the "hairless wonder"??? NO, because cancer is a serious and sad disease. Well, let me tell you, as a person whose life has been devastated by this illness; Schizophrenia is just as sad and just as serious.
And it really just infuriates me that society insists on the persistence of such false ideas and misconceptions and as I've said, IGNORANT ideas of what it means to be schizophrenic. Words like "crazy" and "looney bin" and "cuckoo" and "nuts" are hurtful and actually, even though spoken perhaps out of a lack of harmful intent, only serve to perpetuate these misbegotten stereotypes.
Does it surprise you that a person with schizophrenia can speak and write as logically and well as I do?? Well, even though I myself suffer with this disease, I had no idea of how common this is....having only seen other schizophrenic people when they were psychotic and ill in the hospitals I'd inhabited...it was a shock to me that there are people with SZ who are working in high level jobs...or are working as established and lauded authors. (For example Ross David Burke, who eventually committed suicide due to his misery, Sandra Yuen MacKay, and Lori Schiller --among a host of others who chronicled their descent into this hell and their "recovery" -which I"ve heard defined as "doing the best that you can do")...
I found on forums such as Schizophrenia.com, people who are intelligent and eloquent, creative and successful...And sadly, I've watched these people fall into episodes when all of their logic, reasoning, and rationality disintegrate into disjointed and deluded expression. And why should this surprise me? Hasn't it happened to me time and time again??
Ahh, but you see, "I'm not schizophrenic,...it's THEY who are insane" "It's impossible for me to have sz....I can think and write and usually speak clearly." This is a common symptom of sz: denial and lack of insight. I thought for YEARS that I'd been misdiagnosed...and therefore, there is NO reason to continue to take these drugs which make me feel sick and awful, right??? So I'd go off of them...and before you know it, would be watching the door lock behind me and once more be hospitalized. It wasn't until I was 46 ---after close to 30 year of illness, --that I fell apart to such an awful degree...having made such a rubble of my relationships and life and family...that I began to see that there really WAS something wrong with me. And it wasn't until I started reading from and talking to people with SZ in all stages of the illness and so powerfully identified with their experiences and feelings, that I finally can now call myself "a person with schizophrenia." And yet, oddly, there are times when I still slip into denial and go for periods without taking my medications. These times never ever end well...but that "evidence" fails to be convincing all the time.
My purpose here is not to gain pity, but merely to give you some better, clearer and more accurate understandings of what this disease really is...and hopefully to put a chink into the mountain range of misunderstanding which surrounds this disease. it is bad enough to watch your brain descend into this state, but to also be a brunt of cruel jokes and ignorance and poor stereotypes really is so unjust as to be unbelievable. I was at the top of a very large graduating high school class and went off to college with both full academic and art scholarships...with a future wide open and almost guaranteed to succeed. My classmates and friends are now famed doctors, lawyers and musicians....and I spent the majority of my years between 19-28 sitting in psychiatric hospitals, with all hope of a future wrenched from my grasp watching unfold a future of unbelievable difficulty and challenge. This is the case for the majority of the people with this disease; to suddenly find that options are suddenly closed to them...and having to face the reality of a limited life and frequent suffering. Please just walk away from this article understanding that this disease is nothing less than a tragedy - and one which is of no fault of the sufferer. Understand that us "crazy" people have feelings too, despite our apparent lack of them....and that your laughter hurts.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Have some Whine
I just got out of the hospital...following what appeared to be a diverticular bleed, which plummeted my Red Blood Cell count down to the point where they were considering a transfusion. But God is good and the bleeding sealed itself off and now my body is in the process of recuperating from that event...
Unfortunately, a slight sinus headache that I had immediately before my admission, there in an environment where I couldn't employ my usual naturopathic methods of diverting and ending such an infringement on my health, really took hold and now I'm sporting a whopping sinus infection, complete with aching teeth and fever. Already the dry asthma cough is beginning...and I know where this whole thing is heading. Honestly, I would rather get hit by a truck than by one of my famous sinus infections. I think if I have to go into the hospital and receive steroids for an asthma issue, I will just call it quits. I'm already weakened by the hip replacement surgeries this year....and then by blood loss and now...When I got home from the hospital yesterday, I had trouble getting across a room without stopping for a rest....Too eerily similar to how I was last spring...although I don't see how I could have possibly lost ALL the muscle tone I'd worked so hard at attaining last spring-fall.
Blasted weather!
We've just gone through about 2 or 3 weeks of solid damp, cold, rainfall. I can't help but think that this, combined with the heavy pollen counts, had something significant to do with it.
Sorry for the humorlessness of this post...maybe it shouldn't be published....too much of a downer...Who wants to read of someone else's misery--? We each have enough of our own. I would have normally regaled you with the experience of my colonoscopy ( okay, I would eliminate the grosser details...but there ought to be a laugh or two in there.) Or told you of my solution to the paranoia which plagues me in the hospital. Maybe another time...
...Right now, I just feel like whining....
Unfortunately, a slight sinus headache that I had immediately before my admission, there in an environment where I couldn't employ my usual naturopathic methods of diverting and ending such an infringement on my health, really took hold and now I'm sporting a whopping sinus infection, complete with aching teeth and fever. Already the dry asthma cough is beginning...and I know where this whole thing is heading. Honestly, I would rather get hit by a truck than by one of my famous sinus infections. I think if I have to go into the hospital and receive steroids for an asthma issue, I will just call it quits. I'm already weakened by the hip replacement surgeries this year....and then by blood loss and now...When I got home from the hospital yesterday, I had trouble getting across a room without stopping for a rest....Too eerily similar to how I was last spring...although I don't see how I could have possibly lost ALL the muscle tone I'd worked so hard at attaining last spring-fall.
Blasted weather!
We've just gone through about 2 or 3 weeks of solid damp, cold, rainfall. I can't help but think that this, combined with the heavy pollen counts, had something significant to do with it.
Sorry for the humorlessness of this post...maybe it shouldn't be published....too much of a downer...Who wants to read of someone else's misery--? We each have enough of our own. I would have normally regaled you with the experience of my colonoscopy ( okay, I would eliminate the grosser details...but there ought to be a laugh or two in there.) Or told you of my solution to the paranoia which plagues me in the hospital. Maybe another time...
...Right now, I just feel like whining....
Saturday, May 14, 2011
God's and the "F-Word"
Sorry that I've been silent for so long...my life has been busy going down the tubes...and it has required some attention from me.
God is a hard Truth to follow.
I spent my whole youth trying to run from Him out of fury that he'd made me sick.
And my whole adulthood trying to come to terms with my sickness and to get to know God better---so that the whole thing would make some kind of sense.
And when problem after problem came. The blizzards, hurricanes, avalanches and tornadoes....I clung tight to what I'd found to be true...And my house, built on the rock, remained standing. And I trusted him through the whole gamut.
And then this week...an unprecedented disaster of unnatural proportions...came ripping through my life.
And I felt my grip on the Rock loosen and my fingers began to slide.
And I screamed at God:
"LORD, I've trusted you through the Blizzards,hurricanes, avalanches and tornadoes...WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME??? WHY have you upped the ante??? It's just not fair!"
There it was ...the "f" word.
Fair.
It's been the bastion of every God-deserter since the beginning of time. Eve herself thought the way God played the game wasn't "FAIR"...and there it began.
But you know what?
God INVENTED THE GAME. He invented the players too. AND he invented the room in which the game is played. SOOOOOoo, We don't have a very big right to whine about "Fair" do we??? It's his game, he'll play it the way he wants to.
And God has looked at me with Love in his eyes today, and said softly, "Yes. But can you trust me NOW??"
Good thing He is a Loving and generous God...
And he hands out immense unbelievable, unimaginable prizes....NOT just to the winners....But to all who can finish the game without storming out uttering the "F" word.
God is a hard Truth to follow.
I spent my whole youth trying to run from Him out of fury that he'd made me sick.
And my whole adulthood trying to come to terms with my sickness and to get to know God better---so that the whole thing would make some kind of sense.
And when problem after problem came. The blizzards, hurricanes, avalanches and tornadoes....I clung tight to what I'd found to be true...And my house, built on the rock, remained standing. And I trusted him through the whole gamut.
And then this week...an unprecedented disaster of unnatural proportions...came ripping through my life.
And I felt my grip on the Rock loosen and my fingers began to slide.
And I screamed at God:
"LORD, I've trusted you through the Blizzards,hurricanes, avalanches and tornadoes...WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME??? WHY have you upped the ante??? It's just not fair!"
There it was ...the "f" word.
Fair.
It's been the bastion of every God-deserter since the beginning of time. Eve herself thought the way God played the game wasn't "FAIR"...and there it began.
But you know what?
God INVENTED THE GAME. He invented the players too. AND he invented the room in which the game is played. SOOOOOoo, We don't have a very big right to whine about "Fair" do we??? It's his game, he'll play it the way he wants to.
And God has looked at me with Love in his eyes today, and said softly, "Yes. But can you trust me NOW??"
Good thing He is a Loving and generous God...
And he hands out immense unbelievable, unimaginable prizes....NOT just to the winners....But to all who can finish the game without storming out uttering the "F" word.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
EOB's and the Golden Gate Bridge
For those of you who are not from my lovely country of unregulated medicine and private practices and medical groups and conglomerates and insurance companies…you can just skip this post…unless of course you want to scratch your head and wonder why we’re called the “Land of the Free”.
A quick lesson.
We go to the doctor…any doctor we choose,….whenever we are sick, depressed or bored (JK), and then these doctors, who belong to medical groups or medical conglomerates of doctors (that’s when they all have partners of their own specialty (so they can take some weekends off and there’s someone to pat the hand of their patients who are in the hospitals) and they also (in conglomerates) have other groups of doctors of other specialties …all under one roof. THAT is so when you need a test, or an xray, or to see a doctor for some other malady….they can point to a door down the hall and say…”Go to this guy here, he’ll take care of you” and then you will get billed by 1) the doctor 2) the group and 3) the conglomerate. NOW, you don’t have to PAY all three, but somehow you are supposed to figure out WHICH of the three to pay and what amount. BECAUSE….
EOBs.
Explanation of Benefits.
These are the papers the insurance companies send you (and the insurance companies are the one who usually pay the majority of the bills….AFTER you pay , copay, deductible and coinsurance….ARE YOU WITH ME HERE???? The EOBs explain to you – usually Doctor by doctor….how much the insurance company pays…how much YOU pay….and how much the doctor swings for…..(basically…).
Now the problem I”m having….the one that wakes me up in the morning like morning sickness and keeps me up at night like caffeine….is when the EOB tells you how much to pay a DOCTOR…and you get bills from groups and conglomerates….HOW THE FREAK am I supposed to know how much to pay whom????
Because the groups and conglomerates also include the amounts owed to other doctors.
Now, you are probably thinking: Just pay anyone who sends you an itemized bill.
Ahhh yes.
I would, were it not for the fact that I’ve met my maximum out of pocket expenditure for the year…and beyond that I owe A BIG FAT NOTHING!!!
And doctor’s offices are sneaky. They send you bills before the situation is fully paid by the insurance company and they send you bills with errors…and they send you bills every month, despite the fact that you have already received 25 copies of that bill before. And I am completely swamped, overwhelmed, confused and SUICIDAL over this.
And that. is. just. what. they. want.
BECAUSE: If I panic as I did last week and say “Screw, it, I can’t figure this out, I’m just gonna pay these damn bills and hope it’s right.” And if you messed up and paid too much or you paid someone that you weren’t SUPPOSED to pay…then you are out of luck buddy…and then they get paid twice. Once by you and once by the insurance company. AND the to make matters worse, the doctor you were SUPPOSED to pay instead has every right to take your butt to court if you don’t pay him every penny you owe him….
My brain was fried numerous times by ECT.
I can’t remember anything from one minute to the next….due to whatever. Illness, meds,…age,….Alzheimer’s, ….ECT, ….Schizophrenia…..or all of the above.
And my husband has handed me this stack of papers two inches thick. And a stack of bills five inches thick. And said, “Here. You are paying these with YOUR disability money….YOU FIGURE IT ALL OUT and pay the doctors.”
which leads me to the second part of my blog title……(and if that is over your head also because you are not a local…then Google it.)
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