Running -- Into Walls

Well, a week ago tomorrow was my epidural...which was incredibly effective at reducing my pain. It almost eliminated my back pain--Untiltwo days ago.
I had a busy day planned. Picture a house where the primary person in charge of cleanliness and order--has been out of commission for about two years. You get the picture. Now we DO have help in cleaning it every two weeks ...but you have to see my closets! Mass destruction.

And even my paperwork has suffered tremendously. Take filing for example --
--I even have it tied up into bags, so you can take it more easily.

My desk is littered with letters that need to be answered; insurance claims that need to be followed up on; well...you get the picture I'm sure. And you may wonder why letters don't get written and phone calls made...after all, I'm not paralyzed. It's because pain paralyzes my life. It sucks away all my tolerance for frustration...It makes it impossible to even sit at my desk for more than two minutes... And I couldn't even do a lot of stuff on my laptop because for over 6 months, it was broken and after it got fixed, we didn't have a printer!

My closets are the kind where you have to fight to open the door...and then -- duck! Actually they are not quite that bad....well, yes, maybe they are.
I would love to have a day, just to spend on my bedroom closet, which doubles as a bathroom closet and linen closet......
For the past some odd years it has been a struggle just to get my clothes off, let alone hang them up! Actually, the clean ones ARE hung up...(just so you don't think I'm a total pig!)

Anyway, you get the idea of how I needed to spend the day, and maybe the next four years. And I did get a lot done. However, after working out today, I had a distressing lack of ability to move my left leg for several minutes...It was just kind of hanging there...attached but not FEELING like it was attached. I'm at a great risk for paralysis due to my back situation, so this did give me a pause. However, after several minutes, once again, awkwardly, it moved.

I don't think it likes lunges.

For that reason I had to cut my workout short after only about a half hour. But I got a bit of a workout today doing what I needed to do around here.

So here comes the second wall that I hit.
This morning I moved in a way that my back really didn't appreciate. And I felt the first horrific , mind-freezing stab of pain that I'd had in close to a week, since my epidural. And from that point on, the pain steadily came back...It still is not as bad as it was...but this is the way I responded to the injection of steroids into my bad hip. It worked great for about three days (that time) and then the pain gradually came back until in about two or three days later, it was back full force.

Now.
I'm not happy about this.

(Don' t you just love an effective usage of understatement??)
Actually, I have so much enjoyed my small vacation from hell, that I'm just not too willing to go back. Besides, there is still much to be done. And that 's just the WORK...never mind the fun!

Honestly, I'm joking about it ...but underneath the jokes are a lot of tears which haven't been (and won't be) shed.
I LOVED being able to work out hard and long. I was amazed at my strength and my improvement in my cardio endurance. Take pain out of the equation and I'm an exercising machine!

Even though I still had pain from the PsA in numerous joints, and pain in my cervical spine which is a mess too...The worst pain, is in my lower back. And that pain is over the top...
...and it pushes me off the edge.

Hospital Gowns and Zumba

I had an epidural on Wednesday of last week. I donned that lovely paperfiber poufy surgical hat...the gown which leaves NOTHING to anyone's imagination; the sockie-things with the rubbery bottoms and was carted off, IV in tow, to the OR. This is the FIRST time I think, that I've ever gone there on my own two feet, lol. I walked into the room...faced the OR team and felt a bit daunted by the number of people in there...it's only an epidural after all. And there is something about wearing a backless gown...that just sort of puts you a bit on the defensive....

They asked me to climb onto the operating table and to lie on a series of pillows on my stomach. Well, that presented a twofold difficulty:

1. I was in so much pain I could barely walk....It hadn't been one of my better umm,... years. And
2. I can NEVER lie on my stomach...With as many metal pieces and fusions as I have in my back, it really is not optimal, to put it very mildly.... But, always being willing to oblige, I did my best and tried not to scream too loudly ( :) ).

Then the instructions got even scarier..."Just scoot yourself up to the end of the table and hang your head down off of it..."
WHAT??
ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
The problem was again twofold:

1. "Scoot" is not in my vocabulary. and
   
2. With the condition of my cervical spine, my head wanted to stay upright, vertical, rigid , and squarely over my shoulders, thank you!!

But being ever willing to oblige, I did my best...and after not being satisfied with my first try, the doctor asked me to readjust and "hang off a little more" ...so finally, I did so and was SO grateful that just about then, they must have put the beautiful knockout juice into my IV...because the next thing I knew when I opened my eyes was someone telling me "It's all done"

DONE??
YOU MEAN IT WORKED?? HE GOT THE NEEDLE IN??
yes. After five prior tries...this genius doctor whom I badly wanted to kiss just then, got it into my arthritic, degenerated spine.

And then I felt it.
No pain.

I need to say that again.

NO PAIN!!!

Well, sadly, I was informed that this was due to the local anesthesia they had also put into my back and it would wear off.

"Still," they told me, "some people DO get immediate relief...although you may be sore tomorrow. "
Well, yeah, I was sore. But believe me, SORE IS NOTHING!!
WOO-HOO!

BABY, TAKE ME DANCING!!!

LET'S DO ZUMBA!!!!

ROLLERBLADING ANYONE???

And best of all, when the 'soreness' left...I was great. Very minimal pain. Well, at least, minimal to me. I've lost all sense of what other people would think of it.
When the nurse asked me prior to the epidural, what level on a scale of 1-10 I could live and be happy with, I told her "6"...she looked surprised...but , hey, when every day is an 8 or 9; a 6 sounds heavenly.

And you know what??

It is.

Holy Holy (lift up his name) Live, Phatfish

This is my new favorite video....I am compelled to watch it numerous times in a day.
Watch, Rejoice, Worship!

A Christmas Miscalculation

On this night; the eve of Christmas Eve...at about this time: midnight on the newly arrived eve of Christmas...about forty or forty one years ago...my cousin and I plotted in our beds that night in snowy Erie, Pennsylvania. We had decided that we would stay up until midnight. We determined that WE would tiptoe downstairs on the stroke of midnight and catch WHOMEVER IT MAY BE who was placing our gifts under that brilliant tree. And just maybe, we would catch a peek at what it was he...or they....had brought.

We didn't really believe in Santa. Neither of us had been raised to believe in such a fallacy. But OH, it was such a nice idea. And in our childishness, we wanted to believe in him...but at some level, understood that it would be most likely our parents whom we saw doing that gift-placing.

So, tucked in our bed, we giggled and whispered our way to midnight. Excitement tingled us and we fought off yawns as the moments ticked slowwwly by. finally, it came. Midnight!! Surely, even now, someone, was putting our gifts under that tree so that, magically, it seemed, they would be there as we woke for breakfast.

We crept silently, sleuth-like, down the stairway...and peered over the banister.
The room was dark!
Not even the Christmas lights shone at this god-forsaken hour...
And not a single package did we find under that tree.

Disappointment froze us and we slunk back into our beds for a disenchanted sleep.
The next morning, we questioned our parents: Where are all the prensents? Today is Christmas, for pete's sake! Where are the goods???
And we discovered, to our great chagrin that we had made a serious error in our calculations: we thought that THAT was the night before Christmas...not merely the night before the night before.

our balloon being popped.
our plans coming to naught...
WE abandoned our quest.....

And the next morning; on Christmas eve evening, the miracle happened.

As we stumbled on Christmas morning down the steps, rubbing sleep from our eyes, that amazing display of love was piled under the tree just waiting to be torn into.

Who needs Santa??

Morose Woes

Did you know that "morose" is not a word??

It's a fact - I have it from the mouth of a High School English teacher who publicly berated my daughter for making up words when she used the word "Morose"

What is happening to our educational system?"???

My daughter should have then asked her if "moron " is a word she might use.

Wireless Printers and Harp Strumming

So.
I got a wireless printer for Christmas...this printer sells for $150 normally and was on sale for $100.00 when it was purchased. However , it would have taken a computer tech to install it...and in fact it DID. When both my father (a retired I.T. director) and my husband (a computer savant) looked at the directions and said it was beyond the scope of their abilities, I knew it was time to call in a professional.

So I called the guy who recently replaced the LCD screen on my laptop. He came over and discovered early in the process of installing the computer that we had network problems...which took him close to two hours to solve. Then add the half hour that it really took to install the printer and I came up with a whopping bill close to three times the cost of the printer.

AND I discovered (or rather HE discovered) that our PC has a virus and therefore the printer would not work with it.

But in the end, I am happy with the result.
Yeah it was really expensive...But I got what I wanted. I can click "print" on my laptop and out in the living room, I can hear the printer begin to do it's thing.

It's all about perceived value right?
I mean, $400 to buy and hook up a printer, seems absurd...until you balance it against the giant pain-in-the-butt that it has been not to have a printer at all for these months. Then suddenly, that price seems not so bad.

I guess Christianity is a lot like that.
The price of being a Christian can be enormous...in many countries it will cost you everything you have and maybe your life too.
And even in this country, it can bring you mockery and giving up all of the "fun" things that God says are just wrong....including the "right" to "justifiable" anger and the "right" to pride that we, as mankind, so highly treasure.
The IS a cost. Jesus told us to "count the cost" before undertaking the journey.
Soon, in this country, there will be an even higher price to following Him.

So, what justifies this high price?
What benefit does it offer that could possibly make such suffering justifiable?

Well, it all depends on how much you love him and look forward to seeing him.
And it really all depends on how much you know about Heaven.
Honestly, the popular beliefs about Heaven would make me want to run the other direction rather than to suffer in order to attain it. Floating around on a cloud, strumming a harp, just doesn't appeal to me that much. And honestly, neither does eternal life. I mean, if I had to float and strum forever and ever...well, please, just let me decompose in peace!

However, Heaven is NOTHING like that. The books of Randy Alcorn have helped me to understand more fully what awaits us; what the Bible REALLY says about what God has in store for His children. And I want those two things: being with Him and to live in His Heaven--so badly that I would do anything, I think...pay any price. And the reward is so valuable , that any price paid will seem reasonable, even small in order to obtain it.

Goin' My Way??

Since I've stopped driving, over a year ago, one of the largest frustrations in my life is arranging for transportation. Thankfully, I have friends at church who have stepped up to the plate and are willing to take me places... However, their availability is limited and comes attached with feelings of remorse and guilt on my part. I rarely have the money to pay them for gas. And most of my doctors are in a neighboring state close to an hour away...so to take me to an appointment is a fairly major commitment.

And when you only have four or five people splitting the duty between them, and you have sometimes four doctors appointments in a month, the burden gets to be heavy...Never mind transport to church and to Bible Study (which are not really a problem because people are going by my house on their way there anyway) and the occasional trip into town for a haircut. So needless to say, these particular instances are the only ones I have EVER when I can just get out. It makes for a very limited life. And forget it if I run out of a staple grocery item midweek!

I have one friend who blessed me IMMENSELY. One day, around Thanksgiving time (I know this because she bought me my first ever Dunkin Donuts pumpkin latte...yummy!), took me out FOR THE WHOLE DAY. She called me and said she was planning on going to a bunch of local stores for a day of shopping and did I want to come!!!! DID I???? I almost jumped up and down at the chance. We had a wonderful day, KMart, Walmart, Shop Rite, TJ Maxx...by the end I was in horrific pain but so happy! Her thoughtfulness meant more to me than she will know...but did I write her a note and tell her that?? NO! I'm a real clod when it comes to etiquette. Two thirds of that problem is due to lapses in memory...and by the time I do think of it...so much time has passed that it is embarrassing and irrelevant.

I feel so much like a prisoner here...just the cat and I in our solitary confinement. My husband works long hours with a long commute, so is never ever willing to take me anywhere but to our weekly grocery shopping at Walmart. But if you ask me, a trip to Walmart while not high on my list of "Fun Things to Do"...is still preferable to sitting at home. At least it USED to be....

Lately, I've noticed a trend in myself ...a new tendency that is disturbing.
More and more I am turning down opportunity to go out...like to church or to social events there. And since my last fiasco at a church gathering, where the noise and confusion prompted total panic and I went running, coatless, out the door into the cold....I'm more and more reluctant and anxious about social atmospheres...Even going to the store prompts fear. I do NOT want to develop agoraphobia on top of everything else. I don't know if this is just a new manifestation of my illness (because it is a common one among schizophrenics) or whether it is an anxiety disorder cropping up because of the lack of social exposure. Either way, it can take a hike! I'm miserable enough being cooped up here...and that misery will not diminish...it will just be eclipsed by the GREATER misery of public panic.

There is little hope of a change in my situation. Even if someone were to give me a car, I don't think I'm really safe to drive one...between falling asleep at random times and not being able to turn my head to look where I'm going I wouldn't want me on the road either. Maybe I should just give up on going out and hole up here...tapping away at conversation on my computer keys.....And grow my hair down to my knees....Like Rapunzel.

The Crest of the Wave

Today, on a forum that I frequent for people who have the same psychiatric diagnosis as do I, the question came up as to whether some people got some enjoyment from their periods of exacerbation of their illness and whether this was normal...There were a number of responses, many of which indicated that yes, in the midst of the trauma and discomfort, there is a sense of heightened "reality" (which really is nowhere near "reality") and a sense of intensity that is just plain missing in our real lives. Even during periods of complete psychosis, I find a relief....a sense of letting go and a relaxing of the constant state of alert tension that I'm in to monitor my thoughts and behavior and to keep them within the range of "normalcy." And this relief can be very great...especially as psychosis rarely (for me, anyway) happens instantly...it is usually a gradual deterioration in the level of our thoughts and behavior...and often an intensifying of emotion that can be very welcome for a person who, due to the negative symptoms and also the side effects of the medication , can often feel dead or blunted inside....

For me this "blunted" manner of experiencing most (if not all ) of the things in my world, is particularly distressing. I am historically a creative person...and I find that during periods of stability, I create little...have no creative energy, ideas or impulses...and as an artist and writer, this is an intolerable state of affairs...and one that I can only deal with for so long. And after that point, things begin to break down...Angst settles in, often accompanied by depression and paranoia...and now, once more, I have that energy...and even though it is negatively spawned, it still feels like energy and is therefore welcomed. To a point. Then a line gets crossed and it becomes purely terrifying and horrible to experience. You always wish you could ride that wave...surf that energy and have it available at will. I wonder how creative people are that are normal (are there such people??)...do they feel energized to feel and create a lot or most of the time?? When they do; are they HAPPY?? or is their energy fueled by misery also.?

I would like to know the answers to those questions. Because for me, now, being on meds and being stable has sucked the life from my creative spirit...It has divorced me from any enjoyment I might derive in life or art...It has distanced me from the people around me whom I "ought" to love with my emotions as well as my will... And I often question whether the trade off is worthwhile.... However, should the opposite end of the spectrum lead me to conduct traffic in my bra and panties or to try to leap from tall buildings in a single bound....then yeah, that does kind of border on behavior that needs to be addressed.

Why is there no middle ground? why can I not feel without being destroyed by those feelings?? And why are my emotions never spawned by things in my real life, but only by my internal (distorted?) perceptions?

Schizophrenia Bites

12-13-10 3:20 a.m.

no ideas what to write about...and the way my mind has been working lately you should put on a seat belt to read this because you're in for a heck of a ride. I"m beginning without a topic...which is always interesting because it's like taking a journey without a destination in mind. And when that is the case the JOURNEY itself is what is important and what is the point.

I'm on a bit of a journey and while there 's one likely destination....not one I'm hoping for.....the journey has been interesting...but I don't want to look back at it other than to say that along this way I've met a new friend who has been my balance when I've lost my own. she is the voice of reason that has kept me from Golden Gating or going postal. Schizophrenia bites. (That would be a GREAT blog name!) it' s taken huge bites from me and from my life....masticated and extruded them in quite a mess.

my mind has been pogo sticking around all night, pausing for an occasional hallucination (don't want to get run over by one of THOSE, always best to stop....and do a seat belt check) and tippy toeing around those pits of despair that seem to spring up like the natural hot geysers at Old Faithful National Park, spraying their stinking muck all over anything ....so like your mom said, wear your seatbelt and your raincoat....! Good advice for any schizophrenic or friend of one.

so that out of the way....what dowe talk about next? I could really go for a cup of coffee. It is a bad addiction from years past ...I'd quit the stuff completely in the past five years of healthy eating....but an occasional treat has turned into more of a regular thing of late. Now CIGARETTES ...that's another topic I could go on about. and they are not unrelated....especially to the person with SZ. There is supposedly great almost unbreakable power in the physical addictive potential for those two substances in the person wiht SZ (and I've beaten them both....just a self stroke for my back.... :P ) However, as hard for us to overcome as they may be...we have great strength of will , concentration and self will (any one who has to learn to function DESPITE continuous the continuous distractions and interruptions of hallucinations etc HAS to have focus!!....just to make it to the bathroom. And if you've ever been in a bathroom in a psych hospital, you'll know that not everyone meets that aim. :dd)
Any way enough potty talk....light me up a "fag" (as my British friend puts it)....sometimes I really miss them , even though I hated them passionately. I find that absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder....Absence of consideration is the only think that keeps me from buying a pack sometimes ....I cannot let my mind even GO THERE.)

The stress of the past several days of psychosis has brought a lovely psoriatic sheen to my face as my psoriasis is in bloom in (naturally) the most conspicuous area I own. It has also brought demolition to my bedroom. It'snot that I don't clean it...I do...daily. But the HAVOC I can wreak in mere moments is astounding. I'm trying to contain my powers of mass destruction within this room alone. The rest of the house doesnt'miss me. In fact, it's been sending me thank you notes for my absence. Except for the kitchen sink....; it is begging me for some of my attention ....but hey it can wait its turn....my attention is too scanty to be handing out right and left.

so that's the journey...a five minute voyage that took me WELL over three hours to write because of the diversionary tactics of a hallucinating mind. ah well. It's been an interesting trip (just HOW interesting you'll never know, because I'm not gonna tell you. )
oh and yeah. the cig and coffee pic is done by "dancinpantless" (her name choice, not mine)

The Unanswered Questions

Healthy diet, exercise....these have taken a back seat to eating at all...and to surviving. I have no appetite. Food sits like lead in my stomach. I struggle not to toss those cookies as soon as I eat them. It's all I can do to get out of bed with this body that resists my every move...the thought of exercising is the last thing on my mind.

I'm sick in body, and mind.
Pain is my closest companion these days.
And it's all I can do to face it another day.

I haven't slept more than an hour or two in over a week.
Pain disrupts me and springs my eyes open moments after they close. I crawl from the bed to my recliner and back again...all night long. I finally found a plug outlet that will reach both spots for my laptop....so that doubles my options of where I might rest. The arthritis is a pittance of my pain...a drop in the bucket. It' s the lethal combo of bone and disc disintegration in my spine...and some unnamed pain in my abdomen that is killing me.... but way too slowly.

Music is the only respite I am finding. If I can blast it loudly enough...it does distract me a little.
I listen to music at full volume in my iPod earbuds...It's the science of diversion. If I could just find a thing that consumed more of my body's focus than my pain, then the pain would feel less. At least that's how the theory goes.

There' s a Rich Mullins song: My Deliverer. and it says..."my Deliverer is coming ; my Deliverer is near." I play it over and over. LOUDLY.

I love God. with my whole heart. But when really pressed...I do ask Him "Why?" and the only answer I get is "Trust." It's not one I want to hear. I want ANSWERS. Time frames. a finish line. I want it signed on the dotted line, sealed, and delivered.
Instead I'm the only one sealed and not yet delivered. At least in one sense. In another sense...my Deliverance is complete.

The worst part is being alone. Alone in my house, day after day...my husband often leaves before dawn and is home after I'm already trying to sleep. My daughter is usually gone too. And there is the other kind of loneliness....the kind that comes when it dawns on you that, as much as people want to understand ....they don't have a clue.

But here I am.
Here He has me...Roped and bound.
Fit to be tied.
Longing for sleep and waiting for morning.
And clinging to the mantra I've adopted from a disabled pastor, "This sucks. God is in it. and God is (still) good."

Not sure what that---or this-- all means in the grand scheme of things. It's one of the questions I will ask him when I get to Heaven....
After I'm done holding him.
And AFTER I'm done roller blading.

Censorship or Political Correctness?

It's three a.m....Much pain; no sleep. Ahh well, that's my life... It gives me time to pray...and to catch up on my blog writing, so it's not all bad.

Today a blogger friend of mine sent me an email, panicked because another blogger had posted a link to her blog and said that her blog post had served as a factor in his recent downslide mentally and emotionally as he struggled with a minor form of mental illness. She asked me with some concern, whether I thought she had said anything inappropriate. I read through both of the blog posts in question and then had to tell her honestly, that NO, she had done nothing amiss. She asked me whether she should begin to put a disclaimer and warning on her blog posts that they may be triggering to some individuals.

I thought for a minute, and then had to say, "No, I don't think that is necessary."
I thought for a few minutes more and then began to laugh to myself at the absurdity of the point to which we have come in this politically correct and liability-minded litigational world. I began to make up scenarios to myself that may trigger some unfortunate soul and thought that maybe EVERYTHING put into print should perhaps have that same "trigger" disclaimer attached.

For example:

• Should a post mention a person's trip to the mall; well, that just MAY trigger someone's agoraphobia
• Perhaps a person with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) may feel compelled to count the characters on your post, so that too could present a problem for which you just may be liable.
• You might mention that you have a cold; and this could set someone's hypochondria wild.
• AND, you might mention Jesus and a schizophrenic just MAY think you're talking to him!!

(Sorry if those examples offended anyone. It's pathetic but I need to add my own disclaimer here for fear of retribution as well. I myself have schizophrenia...but I also have a sense of humor, which borders on the sick side; so I feel that this gives me the "right" to comment in this vein. If you don't think it's funny,...well, there are lots of other posts you might read instead... :) )

I had myself in stitches at the thought of these absurd examples...and it is indeed a sorry state we've come to in a society when we need to hamper our right to free expression in order to tiptoe around hypersensitive feelings. I do believe that we should also take care not to be offensive or explicit in manners that are not appropriate for children to see...But a good laugh, or plain old honest expression, such as the blog of my friend, should NOT be exposed to self-censorship.

Kindle the Fires of Change

This week I got a Kindle wi-fi. It was my husband's gift to me for my birthday...and yes, my birthday is still several days away...but he was too excited to wait. I struggled with the decision as to whether or not to go "digital" and join the 21st century by purchasing one of these devices. This hesitation was on several fronts.

One is that, as a writer, it is sort of like sneaking over to the enemy camp...The future of publishing is going to be greatly challenged to take on a new shape in order to survive the advent of e-books. Writers will no longer be able to walk away with the profit they once did...and what of the zillions of bookstores that will now be jeopardized by these intruders? Mom and Pop businesses where I have spent many happy hours and many hard-to-come-by dollars on their wares, will now most likely not survive...at least not by selling books alone. And what of the careers of the agents, printers and that whole trade which previously relied on the publication of books? Isn't it rather Benedict Arnold of me to buy one of these items??

Well, as a publishing agent recently said in his blog; books survived the advent of the printing press...and that of the computer and personal publishing...So they will have to adapt and revamp old systems...it is the way of the world. Change challenges us to be creative and fluid in our approaches...keeping us from getting too staid, comfortable, and boooorrring in our pursuits and habits. It truly is "Keep up; or get out:" right now for those involved in any way with the sale and production of books. And how does this affect the writer? Well in many ways.
For one, they no longer necessarily must face the daunting price of production for their wares....and thus do not rely on the agents and publishers as they once did. So how can that be bad? (for the writer and the public; not for the poor abandoned publishing industry....) For one thing it means that any Tom, Dick or Harry may now quite easily write and publish his own book...So the potential danger is that the quality of the products available, may greatly suffer. It means that the means of reimbursement must be looked at carefully and revamped and also that safeguards must be put into place to forbid and prohibit illegal distribution and marketing of the written works so as to protect the copyright of the writer. So there is a lot involved. And much needs to be looked at and carefully thought out in order for this transition to go smoothly.

And still, there will be purists, like my daughter and my friend's daughter, (of the same age - in their late teens)...who vow never to commit the sacrilege of owning an e-Reader. Oddly, it is the very generation, so attached to their electronic gadgets, among my own acquaintances, who are most opposed to this transition. They love the feel and smell and ability to HOLD and POSSESS the books and do not want to give this up for an impersonal piece of plastic. I can see that. In fact, I struggled with the decision myself for that reason. I LOVE my book collection! It is vast and much treasured. However, the truth is that I was not reading much anymore. Part of that reason was that it is getting more and more difficult for me to grip and hold a book and to have the dexterity to turn the pages due to the crippling of my hands with arthritis. The Kindle, easily beats a book in the ease of operation...at least in that regard.

Now, I struggle with a new dilemma. I sort of never want to read a paper book again after getting my Kindle. (painful confession , that was). And I have a number of books I'd recently purchased that I have yet to read. Do I now, have to purchase the e-version of them in order to do that? A bit redundant , yes? Also, there are many beloved books in my collection...ones that I want to refer to and reread many times. Do I also buy all of those? I would easily go broke and never even get a single new book that I don't already own! So these questions will have to be assessed and evaluated one at a time...and some tough decisions must be made.

And there is also the great danger and temptation of that "single click ordering" that is so easy and nice. Just one little click, and there, Bingo! within a second, you have a new book. Uh-oh! Do I smell danger here? Well, I've made myself a promise not to purchase a book (Unless it is a reference book or something like a Bible) unless I've read the ones I already own. That should greatly slow me down. This is where Amazon's "Wish List" becomes a precious commodity. If I MUST have a book, just stick it in there, until I have the money and am ready for new fodder.

Speaking of all this reminds me, I have a GREAT book to go and read. What am I doing here talking to you??
haha. JK