Goin' My Way??

Since I've stopped driving, over a year ago, one of the largest frustrations in my life is arranging for transportation. Thankfully, I have friends at church who have stepped up to the plate and are willing to take me places... However, their availability is limited and comes attached with feelings of remorse and guilt on my part. I rarely have the money to pay them for gas. And most of my doctors are in a neighboring state close to an hour away...so to take me to an appointment is a fairly major commitment.

And when you only have four or five people splitting the duty between them, and you have sometimes four doctors appointments in a month, the burden gets to be heavy...Never mind transport to church and to Bible Study (which are not really a problem because people are going by my house on their way there anyway) and the occasional trip into town for a haircut. So needless to say, these particular instances are the only ones I have EVER when I can just get out. It makes for a very limited life. And forget it if I run out of a staple grocery item midweek!

I have one friend who blessed me IMMENSELY. One day, around Thanksgiving time (I know this because she bought me my first ever Dunkin Donuts pumpkin latte...yummy!), took me out FOR THE WHOLE DAY. She called me and said she was planning on going to a bunch of local stores for a day of shopping and did I want to come!!!! DID I???? I almost jumped up and down at the chance. We had a wonderful day, KMart, Walmart, Shop Rite, TJ Maxx...by the end I was in horrific pain but so happy! Her thoughtfulness meant more to me than she will know...but did I write her a note and tell her that?? NO! I'm a real clod when it comes to etiquette. Two thirds of that problem is due to lapses in memory...and by the time I do think of it...so much time has passed that it is embarrassing and irrelevant.

I feel so much like a prisoner here...just the cat and I in our solitary confinement. My husband works long hours with a long commute, so is never ever willing to take me anywhere but to our weekly grocery shopping at Walmart. But if you ask me, a trip to Walmart while not high on my list of "Fun Things to Do"...is still preferable to sitting at home. At least it USED to be....

Lately, I've noticed a trend in myself ...a new tendency that is disturbing.
More and more I am turning down opportunity to go out...like to church or to social events there. And since my last fiasco at a church gathering, where the noise and confusion prompted total panic and I went running, coatless, out the door into the cold....I'm more and more reluctant and anxious about social atmospheres...Even going to the store prompts fear. I do NOT want to develop agoraphobia on top of everything else. I don't know if this is just a new manifestation of my illness (because it is a common one among schizophrenics) or whether it is an anxiety disorder cropping up because of the lack of social exposure. Either way, it can take a hike! I'm miserable enough being cooped up here...and that misery will not diminish...it will just be eclipsed by the GREATER misery of public panic.

There is little hope of a change in my situation. Even if someone were to give me a car, I don't think I'm really safe to drive one...between falling asleep at random times and not being able to turn my head to look where I'm going I wouldn't want me on the road either. Maybe I should just give up on going out and hole up here...tapping away at conversation on my computer keys.....And grow my hair down to my knees....Like Rapunzel.