Today, on a forum that I frequent for people who have the same psychiatric diagnosis as do I, the question came up as to whether some people got some enjoyment from their periods of exacerbation of their illness and whether this was normal...There were a number of responses, many of which indicated that yes, in the midst of the trauma and discomfort, there is a sense of heightened "reality" (which really is nowhere near "reality") and a sense of intensity that is just plain missing in our real lives. Even during periods of complete psychosis, I find a relief....a sense of letting go and a relaxing of the constant state of alert tension that I'm in to monitor my thoughts and behavior and to keep them within the range of "normalcy." And this relief can be very great...especially as psychosis rarely (for me, anyway) happens instantly...it is usually a gradual deterioration in the level of our thoughts and behavior...and often an intensifying of emotion that can be very welcome for a person who, due to the negative symptoms and also the side effects of the medication , can often feel dead or blunted inside....
For me this "blunted" manner of experiencing most (if not all ) of the things in my world, is particularly distressing. I am historically a creative person...and I find that during periods of stability, I create little...have no creative energy, ideas or impulses...and as an artist and writer, this is an intolerable state of affairs...and one that I can only deal with for so long. And after that point, things begin to break down...Angst settles in, often accompanied by depression and paranoia...and now, once more, I have that energy...and even though it is negatively spawned, it still feels like energy and is therefore welcomed. To a point. Then a line gets crossed and it becomes purely terrifying and horrible to experience. You always wish you could ride that wave...surf that energy and have it available at will. I wonder how creative people are that are normal (are there such people??)...do they feel energized to feel and create a lot or most of the time?? When they do; are they HAPPY?? or is their energy fueled by misery also.?
I would like to know the answers to those questions. Because for me, now, being on meds and being stable has sucked the life from my creative spirit...It has divorced me from any enjoyment I might derive in life or art...It has distanced me from the people around me whom I "ought" to love with my emotions as well as my will... And I often question whether the trade off is worthwhile.... However, should the opposite end of the spectrum lead me to conduct traffic in my bra and panties or to try to leap from tall buildings in a single bound....then yeah, that does kind of border on behavior that needs to be addressed.
Why is there no middle ground? why can I not feel without being destroyed by those feelings?? And why are my emotions never spawned by things in my real life, but only by my internal (distorted?) perceptions?
I often find myself thinking along these lines.
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