The Beginning of the End of the Beginning

This morning I was thinking "aloud" as I posted on a forum for disabled people on a site that I frequent...I copied some of my remarks there to share with you here and to explore further:

"I had determined yesterday that I would exercise today...but I'm very unsure of that now. My neck and back are letting me have the whatfor...so I'm not sure about moving around right now. This does get very discouraging...that even when I have the right intentions, my body manages to cancel them out. Sometimes I wonder if it really is worth pursuiing the good intentions anymore....Maybe I should just go with whatever is easy and comfortable instead of fighting back and kicking the same old wall over and over. When does the point come when you just allow yourself to rest and go with the flow?

I have a friend in the later stages of severe ankylosing spondilitis - a similar disease to mine, only she has had it longer and is very, very disabled by it. She has blogged recently about how hard she fought in the early years, to maintain independence and physical strength and normalcy, but now, as the disease is really kicking her butt, she is letting go and just resting in whereever it takes her. And I'm afraid she will not be much longer with us, because she really is very sick.

But when is it "okay" to do that? Do you beat your hands bloody on the walls that are ever encroaching, ever closing in on you...until you don't have an ounce of strength left? And why? For what? Why would it not be okay to relax much sooner and let it go where it may? I've already fought hard agaiinst my body and crippling illness for so many years now...I find that I'm more and more tired by the fight...and now, as my life is reduced to this room more and more, I find myself wondering WHY?? Why am I still fighting and trying so hard at something that is obviously a losing battle? Why not just gracefully admit defeat and relax?"

In other words, I am wondering, what makes it so "noble" to resist and fight when disease and limitations come? Why can it not be equally good to gracefully bow out while you are still standing, once you realize that the fight really IS going to be futile in the long run? Why is acceptance so frowned upon and resistance and struggling against the inevitable are looked at as noble and as the right thing to do? Why do we cling so hard to this life which is at best, temporary and painfilled? If we belong to the Lord, we KNOW that something so much better is around the bend. Why can we not say, "my work and my time of being useful here, is done...now I will await the next stage with eagerness?" Is this attitude really not one that we have adopted from the desperate, fearful world around us? They fear death so of course, they will fight it tooth and nail. But for me, it signifies an end to great sufferng....and being welcomed into a kingdom which is spectacular beyond all estimation and fantasy.

I do not mean that I should turn my back on every good and useful thing still left for me here on earth! NO! I should grasp these gifts also with eagerness from the hand of my Beloved Lord....But maybe I should grasp the endings as well as the beginnings? Maybe, when exercising becomes so painful and such an uphill struggle, I should just let it go ....maybe that phase in my life and abilities is over? Maybe I should instead seek what it is God has for me now in THIS stage? I can see real evidence of a shift in my "responsibilties" before God now...He definitely is moving my life in a different direction....Maybe I should seek to explore all the parameters of this new time rather than refusiing to let go of the prior time? Maybe my time of cookiing , cleaning, maintaining a home, being a "MOM and WIFE" -maybe that phase is drawing to a close as those responsiblities are very much out of my reach right now. They require a strenght I no longer have. Maybe now, as God seems to be moving me into the role of encourager and mentor and pray-er...maybe these are the things I need to pursue and focus on -without regret and without apology.

And when a certain thing becomes increasingly difficult, maybe I need to let it go and admit it is no longer in my grasp. The trick and where it gets sticky, is to make others realize that they cannot ask of me or demand of me tasks that belong to the roles that I can no longer fill. I don't think there is anything noble about beating dead horses. Nor is there anything noble about refusing to admit that one simply can't do something.

When I was a little giirl there was a woman in my church who at one time had a lovely operatic voice...
But she was losiing her hearing. And she refused to admit that her solos were no longer bringing pleasure to people but were exercises in endurance for us to listen to. she had lost all sense of pitch. And when the church finally broke this news to her and asked her to please not sing her solos any longer, in fury, she left the church. Now, was there a nobility in her persistance insinging?? Maybe.. Maybe a sad, pathetic kind of one. But I think, it would have been a greater and more grace-ful strength for her to back down and admit that her season as a soloist had past..

And now, I have been told by a surgeon who is respected in the field, that nothing can be done to help reduce my pain or restore my strength and ability to move around to me. My husband is insisting I go to specialist after specialist and seek another opinion. You know what"? I'm sure if I try long enough and hard enough, I will find someone cavalier enough to operate on me. But to what end?? My doctor has explained that such surgery will lead to greater immobility and equal pain. Why should I risk that?? To satisfy my HUSBAND'S inability to recognize a dead horse when he sees one?? No, I say, leave me in peace. do not drag me all over creation in a task that is futile. Let me go.
LET GO!

I can accept that. Why can't they?