The Regret Monster

For me, there are two horrible feelings. I think they must be the worst feelings in the world to endure. Because I've had an Eating Disorder for many many years, one of my feelings may not be shared by the majority of the people who read this. At least not anything like in the degree that I experience it, and that is the feelings of sickness, disgust and self-hatred I get when I've eaten too much, or something really junky...like four Ring Dings (just for an example...I haven't done this particular feat but it seemed like a good example to give.) And ironically, my response often when this has happened is not to be exceptionally careful about what I eat from then on, to try to balance it out....NO, it's the All or Nothing thinking that kicks in....and because I am now an awful person because of what I've just eaten, I have to go and PROVE it by eating more and sickening myself further. (And no, I've not had a problem with bulimia. My problem was anorexia...but you must understand that a small dish of ice cream to a person suffering with this disease, feels just as bad to them as would eating two containers of ice cream for someone else...and worse.) It is true that the quantities we are talking about here have grown as my recovery has progressed. And now, when I overeat, it really COULD be considered overeating , although probably not anything like what some people would consider even normal.

Last night I did this and I am heartily regretting it this morning. (In fact, have been regretting it all of last night.) And here, actually is an important word and concept: REGRET. Regret has to be the WORST emotion to bear when it is inordinately intense. Have you ever said something and just wanted to EAT your words...and you've agonized over it a million times in your mind and there is NOTHING you can do to undo what you've done?

That leads me to my other terrible feeling. And that is when you've done something that you KNEW was wrong, and you did it anyway. And you are disgusted with yourself ...and sick about it. It was wrong before God...and wrong in your eyes, ...whether or not other people would share that same diagnosis, is irrelevant. To me, to God: it was wrong. And I can't undo it. And all I can do is sit with this regret twisting about in my gut....Then comes the soul-mate of regret: self hatred. That's when the mental dialogue begins: the self castigation; the raking over the coals...and the internal and horrible things we say to ourselves to make ourselves feel even worse.

To me, these are the hardest times to bear: those moments when I'm left alone with monster called Regret.

Tonight (rather last night,...it's now 7:00 AM), I've done things worthy of both of these kinds of regret. I over ate and I did something that I know was wrong. And I'm sitting here with that sickness of soul that follows....And the thought came to me:

"You don't have to feel like this."

Now, it is good to be convicted when we've done something wrong, just for the purpose of letting us know that we've done it....to identify it. However, God never intended us, His children to bear the weight of ongoing guilt. THAT's why he sent Jesus. To take care of that, once and for all. Conviction is God saying to us: "Look, what you just did was wrong. It needs to be taken care of...." GUILT, on the other hand, is a punishment in itself. The pictures some people have of a God who takes delight in crushing them with a heavy hand of guilt is completely wrong. Yes, we are guilty. W e are innately guilty. (I know some people will dispute that, but I can recognize an innate sin nature in me; a self that loves to do what is wrong and doesn't please God....And if you have enough softness of heart to recognize and sense conviction, you will agree with me too.)

God doesn't want us to live with Regret and his soul-mate. He doesn't want the self hating diatribe to begin in our heart. Rather, we wants us to take delight in his gift to us of making right the relationship we've tainted with our sin. He wants us to bring him our dirty rags in confession and he wants to hand us once more the white robe of "righteousness" or rightness with God. Why do we waste so much time before we take it to him? Shame? We think we can hide it from him?? I won't even comment on the ridiculousness of that thought...but I often have it too. Do we need to suffer a bit first?? To feel like somehow WE were contributing to "paying for it"??

Listen: What Jesus did on the cross was perfect. "It is finished" he cried at the end. And it was. Our sin no longer holds any power to keep us in bondage or captivity to regret. Nor does it hold the power to separate us from God that it once did, before the cross. Isn't this an amazing piece of news?? We can take it; dump it, and LEAVE IT THERE, walking away as fresh and clean as if we'd never even considered doing such a thing.

Of course this is presuming we've already initiated a relationship with God...but no, wait, that's not true. It is a possibility for ANYONE. All that's required of us is to recognize that we have sinned; that our sin makes us unacceptable to a holy, perfect God. And then ask him to let us come under the covering of the amnesty that He granted us through the blood of Christ. And then that freedom and release and innocence can be yours also.

And as far as that package of consumed cookies goes? Well, it pales, I guess in comparison. Although gluttony too is a sin...So take it to the cross. And if you have ED like me, ask for a touch of healing from those patterns of thinking as well. He's a big God. And Healing, Pardoning, and Forgiving are his business. So don't try to pay for it yourself, either by self recrimination or by good behavior. Because you can't.