A Cloak no one Wants

It's 3:15 on a Sunday night. (oops. Monday morning)...Another week. A lot is going on in my life. A lot that wears the garb of nothingness. My life has been more and more consisting of an 10 x (maybe) 15 bedroom, a recliner, and a bed. In the past 36 hours I've been here exclusively, except for a foolish attempt to attend Sunday
School and church. It was foolish because the entire night before was spent writhing in my bed struggling to endure pain...I took my herbal bath, that I believe I've told you about, and it worked so well, that I thought I was "good for the go," but--as I discovered at about ten minutes into the class, as pain shot down my back to my legs and from my neck through my fingertips to such a degree that I literally had to bite a lip to keep from screaming--I was NOT okay. My blessed friend Betty (I've introduced you to her already also) offered to drive me home as she saw me hobble toward the church after abandoning my post where I was holding up the wall in the classroom...Even standing was not alleviating the pain...I needed to be horizontal like NOW.

So all that to say, that my day was completely spent in bed and when that hurt too much I would switch to the recliner for a change of position.
So it would appear that my life is NOT all that thrilling. But there is so much internal stuff to come to terms with right now in terms of my aborted future...that I actually feel BUSY...consumed by this process. It's a lot to chew...to find that you are not going to have much moreof a future, Both literally and functionally. And this is something that my family has not sat down and talked about much. We have been walking circles again about that mound under the bedclothes...afraid to touch it for fear it- (or we)- will explode.

How does one make their wishes known to a family that won't talk about it and who doesn't agree with or accept those wishes? And who can't even deal with bringing up the topic. In fact, they've been avoiding me ALTOGETHER. It makes for a very lonely chapter close...and quite an unsatisfactory ending to the story. Have you ever read a book that was pretty or even very good book whose ending just sucked?? One that left you with a bad taste in your mouth and a dissatisfied heart? I've literally thrown a book at the wall after it dared to disappoint me in that manner. So against what wall can I throw my family?

I do not want to spend the days, months or years that I have left alone and forgotten and unvisited in this cubicle!! I praise my Lord for the gift of the internet and for my friend who has loaned me this laptop! Without that, I shudder to think of what my life would be like! I wish my family...mom, dad, brother even, and my husband and daughter would draw around me and we could engage in conversation and enjoy the bonds that we have or used to have. But instead everyone clutches anger, resentment, misperception, and hurt close around them like a blanket...And that blanket is their warmth...never mind that there's a nice warm fire available, right here!

The very worst part about it is that,once I'm gone, I know that they will have to live with it. They will be stuck with the ending to that book. For me, it won't matter any longer...I'll be in Heaven and SO happy to be there and out of pain, walking and talking with Jesus...and I'll be looking at them still here...now wrapped in a cloak of regret and guilt in addition to all the anger etc. (which I'm sure, still has a stranglegrip on their throats and adds heavy weight to their backs at all times. Why do people choose to live so foolishly...so self destructively? It is beyond my grasp.

My husband's family is all gone now. All three parents and step parents gone within ten years of each other. And both my daughter and husband still are suffering and burdened by their private regrets with each of those lives. Things that went unrighted....NOT because the parent or grandparent would not have forgiven...but because the chld was too proud to ask and to make amends.

I don't want to die with regrets like that.
And I don't want to be the source of any myself.