Am I my Illness?

This question has plagued me recently.

It began with a concern expressed by my father that my blogs seem to be so focused on illness that he was worried that these diseases have consumed me and made me simply another extension of themselves.

This also has been a complaint of my husband...that "Cynthia" no longer exists, but only a walking mass of pain and illness.

My pastor has also worked to alert me to this danger (in subtler ways than my husband, I might add!) He used to tell me when I had the habit of saying "my" asthma....He told me "don't say "my" ...don't OWN it!" And so I've now made a huge effort to break that method of referring to the diseases that attack me...I don't say "my " arthritis, or "my" asthma anymore. I say "THE arthritis, or asthma" but is that merely semantics? It has been a good reminder, true, when I speak of it, not to make it a part of myself...but has it really effectively changed this mindset in me?

And if I am NOT an illness...then.....who am I???

Frankly, I've been an illness for the majority of my life. True, there were some years of respite, when my daughter was young - years when I was just "Cynthia, Bible Study teacher, leader in church...artist...just Cynthia: pilgrim. But then in the year 2000, a random germ lodged in my lungs ands caused pneumonia which caused THE asthma which was to plague my life with numerous hospitalizations and secondary diagnoses....This began the tumble into the pit of illness in which I now find myself floundering and struggling to stay afloat.

And then, four years ago, my mind once more crumpled under the weight of physical distress, according to my psychiatrist, and that 12 year sabbatical I'd taken from mental illness abruptly ended--making me, once again, Cynthia: mentally ill person or patient (as the case may be). And I can tell you very honestly that when your mind is betraying you to that extent...to the extent that you must question and doubt every thought and every perceptual experience, well, it's hard to find an identity apart from that either.

And I have to ask the question....if you are up to your neck in sewage, how is it that you can not stink??

Do you understand my point??
When every move I make is met with pain...When I am hindered at every single motion, every single attempt to do ANYTHING...well, then, it is extremely hard to be able to even think of myself as a Being apart from illness and pain. Believe me, I don't WANT to be an illness...I know some people with chronic illness who are all "woe is me" constantly about it...and I try REALLY REALLY hard not to fall into that pit...and I think generally, I'm successful at that...considering the impact these diseases have made on my life.

It is really hard to "get a life" when the ONLY time you get out of the house is to go to a doctor's office! Seriously, other than to go sometimes to church, those are the ONLY times I get out...(that and an occaional "pharmacy run"....). I don't get to run to bank or the store - I don't see people or have experiences outside of this house, outside of doctors and outside of the limitations of this body.

THAT IS WHAT MY LIFE CONSISTS OF!!

So tell me, who am I and what am I apart from lost hopes and current illness and pain? If you know the answer to that, please email me and let me know what it is, because I SERIOUSLY do not have an answer to that.

..............................
{post script)
I had pushed the "post" button and then I sat staring at the last paragraph...and it did not sit well with me.

Because you know who I am?
I'm Cynthia- priestess of the Living God.
I'm Cynthia- warrior in prayer
I'm Cynthia- Beloved One of the Most High.

And it has become too easy to forget that. Too easy to let those descriptions of me which several years ago were so all-consuming, to slip quietly into the background of a "former life"...but they are NOT things which you "once were" and now "are not"...No, I still own those personal descriptions and job titles. And I need now, when all else is lost to me, to grip them more firmly and own them more completely.