less than five hours to go....

... until I'm on the operating table...getting cut open, limb sawed off (well, just the bone gets sawed...) and the other gruesome details of a total hip replacement I will spare you. I'm trying to remain present in the moment. I'm wondering if my husband will be able to leave his desk for long enough to come upstairs and hold my hand while I'm in the holding area....(LOL...wonder if that's why it's called "HOLDING AREA" because there's a lot of hand holding going on there.)

Yesterday there was a code called for the OR Holding Area. I am wondering now if that person made it. Or if they didn't. There's ALWAYS a concern in major surgery...like the one I'm having....and when the person has asthma there is more concern. And then there is my other flakey self conditions....which always are good for a worry. The only one that really worries ME is that I will NOT regain clarity of mind after the anesthesia. With every surgery, the confusion is worse and worse and lasts longer and longer. And I feel like with every surgery another chunk of my mind gets lost...that more and more I am compromised. And that at some point, I will simply run out of chunks to blow. lol. (sorry, gross...couldn't resist) ...Anyway. I worry that the confusion, that fog and those hallucinations, will NOT lift and go away as they should...or have thus far.

So if when I come back, my serious remarks are funny and my jokes are NOT, and it stays that way...you'll know what happened.