the Workout Woes

I hurt every day. But today I HURT. Like every muscle, every joint , every bone, even my skin: HURTS. And so I got myself together, did my breathing treatment on the nebulizer (without which I wouldn't make it 5 minutes into the warm up), and trotted....okay hobbled...downstairs to my gym/other bedroom. Usually when I wake in the morning, I have a PLAN; I know exactly of what my workout will be comprised. But today I was torn. Yesterday I had a shortened workout, having only done Leslie Sansone's "Walking off the Pounds" 1 miler. Which is like a snort type of thing to me. I was doing the 4 mile, 1 hour long workout, right before my last two hip surgeries...without hardly a gasp. But now...after being close to bedridden all winter, the most I'd done was the 2 miler...and that was a bit of a struggle although feasible enough to have done it twice. But yesterday my goals were big: one mile of Leslie while holding 3 pound weights.... and then a longer strength workout.

Dumb idea.
I mean it was a good PLAN....but just a dumb idea.

Because I had no idea how much of a difference those weights would make. And CRAP ! they made a BIG difference. An "if-I-don't- put-these-down-right-now-I"m-gonna-die" difference. But I did it ...I endured the mile and then was WIPED. I didn't do any more strength training .,..In fact because my new blood pressure medicine was making me feel so sick, I went to bed...and slept all day. Wonder how many dream -calories I burned?

But I'll tell you, Judging by the litter of food containers and wrapppers in my room this morning, I ate WAY more calories than I burned. Don't you hate it when you eat in your sleep and don't even have the pleasure of the memory???

OH. You don't do that.

OK. so I'm weird, that fact has already been established....I believe, at birth.

So back to today. Feeling awful in terms of my body image. Where as yesterday things in the mirror were fairly acceptable to day, that old anorexic voice from my youth (and every day in between then and now) kept saying 'Oh , how GROSS!": every time a mirror was in sight. I tried not to do it....but I had to weigh myself....and that was the low point of my morning. Somehow (probably from the midnight gorge) I'd put on something like four pounds more than yesterday.

In all fairness and honesty - to myself. I have to say that it is likely that the weight gain is water weight...considering my husband had been serving up 20 GRAMS of sodium to me daily for the past month. (he didn't realize that the new bottle of sodium was FIVE times the strength of the former ones---or so he said ;) ) So I was holding in gallons of fluid... my blood pressure had risen to around 200/100 for the past several weeks....And I was sporting a HEADBANGER's headache, that's for sure. It's lovely to sit and just WAIT FOR YOURSELF TO STROKE OUT. You know it's coming...The engines are firing under that rocket....Lift off will be at ANY moment now....and my head will blow right off it's shoulders. But thus far, it hasn't happened. I got new medicine yesterday.. Medicine that made my head swim and made my skin crawl and me short of breath. don't think this will be going on for any longer...I cannot tolerate that feeling: anxiety. I have enough misery to deal with in my life...ain't no stupid little pill gonna make it any worse.

So , that's it...AFter my weak effort at strength training today, I made a huge blunder. I Have a chair yoga video...and that sounded soothing and nice, so I put it on and perched in front of the TV and watched as an OLD LADY (at least 65) with long flowing gray hair, and a body I would have liked to own at age 20, contorted herself into pretzel shapes....and suggested that I do the same.

Hmmm

I did fine with the exercises until we got to the legs and hips. And I was APPALLED to find out how little, I mean REALLY LITTLE my right leg and hip would do. The joint is practically frozen into position. And it hurts like HECK. So then the inner castigation began again....*grumble grumble you're gonna let an old granny look and move better than you??? She's got thirty years on you....and probably weighs that many less pounds....LOOK at her move, would you??? What's your PROBLEM???? And how come you didn't realize how pathetic you are until this moment?? Everyone ELSE knew." and on and on.

You know how it goes.

OH.
You don't hear voices in your head?

Ok , I'll shut up now....