An Infestation of ANTs!

Today I published a blog on another site describing my past couple of days....and as I read it over, it sort of left a bad taste in my mouth. One of the first comments I received on it asked if maybe the reader had actually authored the blog...for she recognized a tendency in it, that she evidently struggles with. She called them "ANTs" (Automatic negative thoughts.) The blog had focused on all the mistakes of the past couple of days; was full of expectations that others would respond and act in the most negative manner possible; focused on failures rather than successes....and yada yada, ad infinitum.

I was just finishing up reading "The Forgotten God" today (by Francis Chan...get it! read it! ) which we had spent the last some weeks discussing in my home Bible Study which meets on Wednesday nights....and found myself to be profoundly moved and yes, disturbed by a question which Chan asked which was this: "Would you say that your life is characterized by a supernatural abundance, that exceeds normal human effort, of the Fruit of the Spirit?" (love, joy peace, gentleness, patience, self control.) Am I more joyful than the most positive person with out the Lord? Am I more gentle than the most compassionate person motivated by human sympathy alone? Do I show more self control than an ascetic Buddist monk ? More peace than any yoga and meditation practitioner? More love than the best mom in the world? More patience than any psychiatrist? (LOL)

I would have to have serious reservations about my answers to those questions.
Actually I have an infestation of ANTs.
Actually, when I get frustrated or have small accidents, unspeakable words fly from my mouth.
Actually, I have real trouble loving some people...and my actions and words are FAR from always being motivated by love.
Actually, I have gained 15 pounds back this winter and am really struggling with my goals to live a healthy, disciplined life.
Actually, my words are often harsh and condemning.

Would someone looking at me say (as Chan suggested should be the case, ) "The Lord HE is God, blessed be his Name!"

Nope.

I got a card this week. It was from a friend in my church who was observing me worshiping on Sunday; coming to church despite pain and difficulty. And she called me (get this) "A woman of God'!! Instead of blushing with gratitude to God for the truth of this statement, I blushed with shame. Because the truth is far from what she sees on Sunday. I've read this card over and over this week. And God has really shown me some of the dirt in my heart and life as a result.

And Chan's book has compelled me today to ask some hard questions of myself....and to look at myself in the manner which God sees me. And at first that perspective was one of conviction that some major confession and turning around are in order; and the second conviction that this look from "God's eyes" brought, was one of the incredible love and patience of God. That he has NOT EVEN YET given up on me. And that he still loves me with the love that brought him to earth...and to the cross to accomplish that rescue mission he was on...and is still on. He will not rest until he has completely and fully "converted me"...from a child bent on destruction....to someone who has been transformed by being around him.

So I closed my Kindle cover, and picked myself up and went down to my room downstairs where I had once spent many long hours in prayer...away from the hearing of my family. (yes, I pray out loud, even when it's just God and me)...and God and I had a long long talk. I took care of a bunch of dirty laundry that had been piling up in my character....

And now what??

I intend, and will, with the strength and mighty power that he shares with me, live a different kind of life. And I hope with all my heart, that those around me will not only hear my words, not only see a smiling face on Sunday....but will see a profound change in me. I want them to see GOD...not me....when they look at me. And when they interact with me, I want them to walk away saying, "The Lord, HE is God!"